4 reasons why this Christmas will suck



Ever wondered the 4 reasons this Christmas will suck

Okay, if nobody will say it, then I will – This Christmas holiday will be a boring one.

Now, I hear you asking me how I know this and I am surprised at your stifling doubt, but as a concerned citizen and someone who prides himself in studying the signs, I will gladly share these obvious signs with you, in all its full descriptive glory.




Here we go

WE ARE LANDLOCKED

I know you might want to counter this by pointing out that airports are kind of open. Yeah, right.

With the second and third wave of covid-19 threatening to swallow western nations, that’s not necessarily any type of consolation.





Your fears are valid because no one in their right minds wants to leave the relative safety of Africa (I never thought I would say this) and voyage to the west where the tendency

to contact an incurable virus is automatically tripled.

So, as I said, we are basically landlocked.

CHILDREN DON’T LIKE A VIRTUAL CHRISTMAS

Santa Claus has always been big on social distancing. That’s why he sneaks into thousands of homes unannounced and drops stuff.

Now, imagine him trying to wipe down and disinfect thousands of gifts this holiday so that children don’t get infected from whatever he caught from sneaking into other homes.

Okay, let me stop there. That’s all Oyinbo folklore and we don’t believe all that in Africa anyway, except of course you live in Banana Island, but because of the need for social distance, there will be no Santa events for kids this Christmas.

Unless of course, you want to see a ‘Father Christmas’ struggling to breathe through his stuffy beard and an oversized face mask.




Take a minute to wrap your head around that. No more sitting on the lap of a white-bearded stranger and legally appropriating gifts from him.

Good luck explaining why that can’t happen to your wards this season.

If that isn’t the definition of boring, please tell me what is.

HANGING OUT IS CANCELLED

Apart from the kids, adults can no longer simply ‘hang out.’ Clubs and major events have been shut down and there is no legal way to have any fun this Christmas holiday.

Here’s the question, after a crazy year of deaths and pay cuts, are we saying that there’s no way to properly relax, except by binge-watching Netflix series?

Unacceptable.

But sadly, that’s the way things are now.

Just keep searching online though, maybe there’s some kind of subpar virtual hangout out here that you might find a little less annoying than the rest.

I’m rooting for you.

PRICES ARE SKYROCKETING

If you have been anywhere near a market lately, you will know what I am talking about. Everything from Onions to biscuit bone has become unreasonably expensive.

And like the Nigerian government, it’s not planning to get better with time. So, we are stuck with it this Christmas.

The only good part about the astronomical prices is that people are not necessarily hosting guests this season due to covid-19 (hopefully) and so can better manage their resources as a result.



That’s it. My well-proven theory, backed with hard facts that this Christmas holiday is bound to suck. If you are still in doubt though, then you must be an incurable optimist and maybe, just maybe, your optimism might work for you this time.




Happy Holidays!